I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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