soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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