i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I did not marry a roomba.
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