help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
