1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
