last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
