my phone needs a breathalizer
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
