I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
