My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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