I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
