At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
