I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
