Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize