Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize