That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
