Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
