my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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