At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
