She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
