I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
