Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
