in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
