y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
