i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
