I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
