I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
