I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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