We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
