you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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