I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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