the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
