I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
