Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
