i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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