ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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