i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
