how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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