I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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