put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize