how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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