remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
