Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
