apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
