Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
