Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
