I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
