I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
