are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
