Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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