Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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