Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
