There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
