Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
