I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
40s are totally the cure
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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