so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
