i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
