My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
