Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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